so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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