It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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