If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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