Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
