My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize