Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
