you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
