i think my tv is drunk
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
someone owes me an orgasm
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
