you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
