You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
