Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
