Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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