I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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