i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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