Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize