Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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