and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize