I wish my penis had an off switch
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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