Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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