If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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