When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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