I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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