my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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