I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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