Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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