I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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