I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
