My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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