the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
