Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
