Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
