ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
