Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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