I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
