Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
