apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
