my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
