I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
