Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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