Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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