I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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