Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
