You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
