My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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