It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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