the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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