We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
