i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Your cock deserves a montage
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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