I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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