How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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