As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
