The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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