you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
