So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
