Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
