she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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