just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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