Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
