i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize