...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
