I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
