So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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