I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize