I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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